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Britney Spears decided to do the Halloween thing last night and dressed up like a busty pirate wench. Or so the caption of this photo told me. I just figured it was her normal outfit. She could wear a pirate hat and I wouldn’t even know it was a costume. I’d assume it was Britney’s way of saying she wants some Long John Silver’s. Or a thermos full of rum. I’m still learning the intricacies of her language. Now, if she only shows the right half of her vagina, that means Burger King, right? Or does her ass hanging out mean Burger King? I really should write this stuff down.

I threw in some shots of Britney sans the pirate get-up and Alli Sims getting pulled over early this morning after leaving the clubs. I know how much you guys love justice. But, trick or treat, they only got a warning! Halloween is fun.

UPDATE: According to ET Online, Britney was decked out in the pirate garb to attend a midnight release of her new album “Blackout” at the Virgin Mega Store in Hollywood. But, when Britney arrived, she couldn’t find a parking space, so she bailed and went clubbing with Alli Sims instead. Her publicist has to drink a lot.

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Josh Duhamel plays a dad-to-be on NBC’s Las Vegas and apparently his work is getting to him, because Josh wants kids and can’t wait to knock up his longtime girlfriend Fergie. Ok! Magazine reports:

“I’ve got a lot of friends with kids. Two of my friends have three kids. They all have kids except for me—so I got to get on the horse!”

Josh said his experience on Las Vegas is getting him ready for the pregnancy process:

“I’ve never been through that and it’s sort of dawned on me as I go — wait, that probably would happen. Maybe she would take it as you not being sexually attracted to her when in fact, maybe you’re just worried that you’re going to hurt the baby.” Then he joked, “And you realize you can’t hurt the baby. You’ve just got to do it doggie style. NO!”

Josh Duhamel, ladies and gentleman. Sexual daredevil. Not only is he unafraid to have sex with Fergie, but he would also do a pregnant chick. I don’t know whether to shake his hand or punch him continually in the neck until he passes out. And from there, take him to a secluded cabin where I’ll teach him that, no, it is not cool for chicks to look like dudes. I don’t care what style of sex you have. I mean, what if she turns around? Then it’s all tears and confusion and questions about your sexual identity. Just like my prom night.

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Britney Spears released her new album Blackout today. To drum up some press, because apparently there’s not enough, Jive sent out photos of a half-naked Britney sitting on the lap of a priest in a confession booth. The photos are also included in the liner notes for her new album. The Catholic Church wasn’t too thrilled about this “bottom of the barrel” stunt, according to NY Daily News:

“This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing,” said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. “She’s not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she’s not responsible enough. Now we see she can’t even entertain.”

Clearly Britney Spears’ publicist is ripping pages straight from the Madonna playbook. Unfortunately for them, Britney is pretty much stuck on pissing off Catholics and wearing Kabbalah bracelets. She’s barely allowed to have her own kids, so she can’t adopt one from Africa. Also the marrying Sean Penn thing is out too. Besides the fact that he has a wife, I heard that Sean Penn not only hates the Iraq war but also hates “fatty-fat fat-fat’s.” That’s a direct quote that I in no way made up.

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I debated whether or not to look at these photos of Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot. I was kind of hoping to see them for the first time on Christmas morning. You know, the snow is falling outside. The tree is sparkling and lit up. The whole family is abuzz with holiday cheer. I’ll take a seat near the fireplace and open up to Kim Kardashian’s photos. “Look, Grandma, a nipple! Can you believe it?” As I sip from my mug I’ll call for the children because only their innocent eyes can tell me if Kim Kardashian’s ass truly is a portal to the magical world of Narnia. Sure their parents might call the police and Aunt Sarah’s Nativity scene gets broken in the scuffle. But, darn it, that’s what the holidays are all about. Family. Oh yeah, and also sweet, heavenly asses surrounded by white fur. That too.

The photos below are totally NSFW. Unless your boss is super cool, or perhaps he’s, I dunno, Jesus. Then click away.

EDIT: Sorry guys, had to take it down.

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Elizabeth Hurley hit the Seychelles this weekend with her new husband Indian playboy Arun Nayar. She also brought her old husband Hugh Grant. Sounds like a great vacation. I bet she made Hugh Grant sleep at the foot of their bed. You know, to let him see what he’s missing by dating young, nubile actresses that haven’t been cruelly ravaged by the effects of time. The crazy fool.

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English model/actress Kelly Brook keeps her body in great shape. Want to know her secret? Doing it. A lot. The Daily Mail shares her advice that every attractive woman I meet should know:

The former Big Breakfast keeps her figure trim by “having tons of sex so you look fit and healthy - it’s the best thing in the world.”
Asked for her hot tip on maintaining a good sex life, she replied: “Fantastic lighting! When you redecorate, make sure everything’s on dimmers. Either that or candlelight.”

I’m not going to say Kelly Brook’s boyfriend Billy Zane is the luckiest bastard in the world, but I will say that if I could stab him in the chest and then wear his body like a suit, I would. Wait a minute, why is there a dimmer switch on Billy Zane’s testicles? Jesus, lady, you’ve got a problem. We need to talk about this. But after we work off that half a biscuit, fatty.

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Several law enforcement officials have confirmed that a Seattle grand jury is investigating the accusations that David Copperfield sexually assaulted an aspiring 21-year-old model. The Seattle Times pretty much confirms earlier reports from The National Enquirer and provides info on how the magician first met his alleged victim while at a show with her family:

They were led to special seats, and Copperfield selected the woman to come on stage as part of his act, the federal sources said.
Sources confirmed that the woman told investigators Copperfield later promised he could help with her modeling career and invited her to his isolated $50 million private retreat at Musha Cay, in a tiny string of white-sand islands 85 miles southeast of Nassau, Bahamas. From Nassau, the retreat is accessible only by charter plane and then private boat.

David Copperfield told the woman there’d be other guests on the island, but when she arrived, it was just her and the magician:

She has told Seattle police, and later the FBI, that Copperfield raped and struck her during her two days on the island, said sources familiar with her allegations.
She said that, afterward, Copperfield threatened her, telling her she’d better keep quiet, and then escorted her onto a plane.

Is this the natural progression of things? Get famous. Date Victoria’s Secret model. Become bored. Buy your own set of islands where you act out depraved, power-mad sexual fantasies with young women. What happened to shuffleboard? I thought old people went bananas for that game.So, what, now they’re into crazy, James Bond villain shenanigans with private islands? Maybe that’s why my grandpa keeps saving all those coins. Oh, no, wait, it’s the dementia. My bad.

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