Archive for November, 2007
Eva Mendes was spotted leaving a private gym in West Hollywood yesterday. It’s been rumored she’s pregnant, and I believe it. That’s definitely a baby bump she’s hiding behind her purse. Of course, I generally leave observations like that to a real doctor. I’m just a guy who likes to lay around the house all day drinking beer in a lab coat. I tell my girlfriend I’m learning way more than I would at any old medical school. Though I think when I broke my arm the other day and poured Ny-Quil on it she knew something was up. I knew I should’ve used Pepto-Bismol.
Lindsay Lohan is finished with snowboarder Riley Giles. She ditched him after the two had a tumultuous Thanksgiving weekend that ended with Lindsay drinking. A source for E! News talks about what went down:
On why Lindsay ditched Riley:
“She got tired of him pouting all the time.”
On why Riley was such a pouty bitch:
“It was fine when they were in Utah, just the two of them. But then they returned to L.A. and Lindsay was shooting a movie, photographers followed them everyone, she had meetings with this agent, that publicist, this director. His ego couldn’t take it.”
On why Lindsay’s friends weren’t impressed:
“They thought he was unsophisticated and told her she should have left him in Utah with his snowboard. He never paid. Yeah, we know Lindsay is the rich and famous one, but come on. Be the man once in a while!”
“Being the man” in my book actually means never paying for a date. So, kudos, Riley Giles, you’ve won my respect. Unfortunately, you can’t rub my respect on your genitals to make them stop burning. NASA’s already tried. In the meantime, they’re seeing if my raw sexuality can fuel rockets, but so far, it’s only managed to stop bullets and make female scientists suddenly feel the urge to wear a bikini. Okay, that last part was a joke. *laughs* Female scientists. Could you imagine?
Hulk Hogan is contesting his wife Linda Bollea’s request for alimony and states in a court filing that she can support herself and son Nick. That’s if Nick even wants to stay with his mom. The Herald Tribune reports:
Hogan’s petition, filed Wednesday under his real name of Terry Bollea, also says their son Nick, who is 17 and no longer a student, is old enough to decide which parent he wants to live with.
Hogan wants the couple’s assets and liabilities equitably distributed. He intends to continue the family’s health insurance coverage, the petition states.
Basically, what Hulk is saying is, “We’ll split our shit then you and your grotesquely large boobs are on your own.” That’s fair but firm. If I were the Hulk, I would have gone for a slightly different approach; namely keeping all my money then petitioning the judge for a scissor-kick to my wife’s face. It’s fair but full of face kicking, so everyone’s a winner. And by everyone, I mean me and my moustache comb made of gold.
Akon is facing criminal charges for tossing a fan offstage during a concert in Fishkill, NY. The charges came after a girl who was in the audience suffered a concussion when the fan landed on her. Akon must appear at Fishkill Town Court on Monday for charges of endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment, according to the Associated Press:
Audience members said that a spectator lobbed something at Akon and that the singer asked the crowd to point out the culprit. A security guard picked out a 15-year-old and sent him up to the stage, where Akon hoisted him onto his shoulders and flung him into the crowd.
The boy landed on Abby Rosa, who told the Poughkeepsie Journal she was later found to have a concussion.
I admire Akon’s dedication to the fine art of tossing suckers around. I do it all the time. In fact, the other day I threw my grandmother at a bill collector. Yeah, maybe picking up a frail elderly woman isn’t so much of a feat, but that guy from the cable company was still a block away when; Pow! Grandma to the neck! God, I wish someone caught that on tape. Besides that woman who sold it to the cops. Thanks, mom.
In her MTV reality show A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, Tila tries to find love with a man or a woman. The show’s premise is that Tila is bi-sexual, but a source for Page Six is saying she’s totally straight and even has a boyfriend:
“She’s made out with some girls in her past, as all girls have, but she is not bi at all.” Our insider claims that MTV works hard to pretend she’s single and available because she refuses to break up with her boyfriend, “who’s like five years older than her. This is a massive scam . . . That’s why they are not continuing with the show [for a second season], because she won’t dump him.”
And for those of you who think Tila seems pretty cool on the show, surprise, she’s a bitch:
Tequila has also been acting like “a diva” and become a “nightmare to work with,” said the source. “She arrives late and doesn’t talk to any of the contestants between takes. She complains she has too much going on.”
I don’t believe a word of this. If Tila wasn’t really bi-sexual, they’d break it down for me on The Hangover. You know, that cleverly-named investigative journalism show that comes on after A Shot at Love. Each week they interview a different contestant who gives deep, revelatory answers like “I can’t really say, you’ll just have to watch next week’s episode.” And I do!
Paris Hilton took her new Swedish model boyfriend Alexander von Zweigbergk Vaggo to meet her parents for dinner at Madeos in Beverly Hills. Paris’ parents Rick and Kathy were celebrating their 28th anniversary together. The highlight of the evening will be when Rick leans over to Alex and whispers, “There are two condoms in my hand. I want you to wear them both at the same time. Don’t ask any questions. You seem like good people.” Alex will then ask “Is this to, how you say, not make baby?” Rick will smile and say, “Don’t worry, Kathy and I took care of that when she was 16. Thank you, Mexican free clinic. Ha ha, good times. No, seriously, the rubbers are to protect your ding-dong, son. Jesus, don’t you read the papers?”
Katie Holmes accompanied Tom Cruise to the Bambi Awards in Germany this evening. Katie showed off her new hairdo which further proves that she is just a giant walking doll for Tom Cruise to play dress-up with. I’m looking forward to her next look which I’m willing to bet will be a lumberjack. Complete with real-live moustache. How’d she do that? Let’s just say Tom does the cooking and added an extra ingredient. He’s not saying, but here’s a hint: It’s hormone pills.
A very pregnant Helena Bonham Carter was spotted last night leaving Cipriani in London with her husband director Tim Burton. They look like street urchins that made a heroin-fueled escape from a production of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.” Helena Bonham Carter seems to be amazed there’s a ground beneath her feet. While Tim Burton’s deep inside his brain trying to decide which is more awesome: stop-motion animation or Johnny Depp. Whichever one wins will be the kid’s name. Unless they go with “Gothy McGothicstein.”
Britney Spears showed up twelve hours late to the set of her new video for “Piece of Me.” Shooting wrapped around 5 a.m. yesterday morning. The dancers were pissed about Britney’s tardiness and let some secrets slip to Us Magazine:
In the video, Spears and four look-alikes — dressed in black newsboy caps, sunglasses, black trench coats and short blond wigs — to try trick the paparazzi.
Spears used a “body double to shoot all the scenes that don’t require her face,” an on-set source tells Us.
Wait, hold on a second. Britney Spears actually made a smart decision by using a body double instead of her own Pillsbury Doughboy-esque form? That’s almost amazing. Until you realize it’s to the point where, if they can just get Britney Spears to sort of look at the camera, they’ve got themselves a video: “And, action! Alright, Britney, just sort of turn your head over here towards the camera. That’s it. Follow the candy cane, and, bam, we got it. That’s a wrap! Somebody edit out the hamburger she was biting into. I’ll be in my trailer.”
Pamela Anderson plans to retire in a few years. Her latest role has been magician’s assistant for Hans Klok “Beauty of Magic” show in Las Vegas. Pamela tells USA Today she’s content with her magic work and has no ambitions to return to acting:
“I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. Drives my agent crazy,” she says, laughing. “But I’m lazy. I don’t want to work. I want to be with my kids (Brandon, 11, and Dylan, 9, with ex-husband Tommy Lee). So I just fly in from L.A., do a few days of shows and go back home.”
“Five more years of (T&A), and I’ll go back to Canada,” the British Columbia native says. “I’ve got some land. It’ll be time.”
What exactly is Pamela Anderson retiring from? She shows up to random places with her giant rack and, judging by these photos, tries to give heart attacks to the elderly obese. It’s pretty much a lifelong occupation. That’d be like me trying to retire from being so sexy. It’s goddamn impossible.
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