Adnan Ghalib tests boner pills. Let’s pause for a moment and reflect on the best lead written in the history of journalism. Fantastic. Anyway, some of you might have heard of this, but apparently Adnan is on a panel of guys who test male enhancement products. You can see his bio on SexHealthReview.com. (He’s the third one down. Can’t miss him.) Here’s what it says in case your work doesn’t want you reading about erections:

Occupation: Filmmaker.
Tell Us a Little Something About Yourself:
I work in “the” industry in Los Angeles and I know many of my friends use these products. Thought this would be an interesting opportunity to reveal the truth to many men worldwide.

What is Adnan hinting at by saying he works in “the” industry? Does he work in porn? Or is he not only impotent but unable to properly use quotations? I don’t see how I’m supposed to trust a guy to inform me about Spermamax when he can’t even use the correct punctuation. I don’t want to think I’ll have “a” massive boner only to find out it’s a non-quoted erection. That’s just embarrassing.

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Tom Cruise is receiving a new Ducati Desmosedici RR motorcycle this week. Tom is receiving the very first model of the only 1,500 made. The cycle cost $72,500 and can reach speeds of 200 mph, according to NY Daily News:

Cruise, whose net worth is upwards of $250 million, is known to have an affinity for fast vehicles, including motorcycles, Porsches and planes. Some estimate the actor spent $1 million in 2006 on fuel alone.

A million smackers on gas? Jesus. Somewhere Al Gore is reading this with eco-friendly steam coming out his ears. He’s probably wishing he didn’t make that promise to Gary Coleman to never kick a midget again. But he never said anything about face punching…

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Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot this weekend in South Beach. I should also mention she’s three months pregnant. Normally, the sight of a pregnant woman makes me want to change my name, grow a moustache and flee to the Rockies. (If anyone asks, my name is Adam F. Thundernads.) But, today, I’m going to make an exception with Alessandra and ignore my natural, sharply honed reflexes. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to mature as an adult or perhaps it’s because she’s wearing a bikini. I’m not really sure. But I’d put money on the bikini – and a lot of it.

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Mariah Carey went shopping yesterday at Van Cleef & Arpels on Rodeo Drive. I have no idea what that is because I have a penis. Anyway, she tried on several pieces of jewelry. Apparently her breasts aren’t noticeable enough. Even the guy in the background, let’s call him Nigel, is trying to resist touching them. He’s mostly afraid the top button of Mariah’s shirt will rocket off at any second severing his finger. Then how will he explain that to his wife Mrs. Nigel? I mean, once she notices his well-earned Purple Heart.

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Lindsay Lohan got down with some Grey Goose over the weekend while partying with Brody Jenner of MTV’s The Hills in NYC. Lindsay’s friends and rep deny she was drinking, but observers noticed she was definitely in the sack. NY Daily News reports:

One source contends that drinks were showing on Linds on Friday. Confronted by paparazzi at the Beatrice, “she started going berserk,” claims a witness. “She didn’t want them taking shots of her with Brody.”

How dare they take pictures of Lindsay when she’s only hooking up with one guy? She’s got a reputation to uphold as a three-man whore-bot. The least the paps could’ve done was provided her with a homeless guy to have sex with on top of some garbage cans. It’s called chivalry. Maybe you guys should look it up sometime.

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Michelle Williams kicked Heath Ledger out of their Brooklyn home because of his drug problems over the past year. Heath would disappear for days on end and show up a complete mess, according to a member of Heath’s entourage. Page Six reports:

“He was partying, doing drugs. She didn’t like the company he was keeping. She gave him an ultimatum. . . . and threatened to get custody of the girl. He wanted to make it work, but it was this scene he was wrapped up in. Was he an addict? Yeah.”

Entertainment Tonight was also going to air a tape of Heath doing cocaine at a hotel party in 2006, but opted not to out of respect for the Ledger family. Heath also had a problem with heroin that may shed light on his death, according to Page Six’s source:

“Once you go down that road, then it gets really scary. Because all of sudden you shoot up, you take heroin, then you do a line of cocaine and then you take sleeping pills. Look at River Phoenix, he died exactly the same way.”

I tried to find the Heath Ledger drug video on YouTube but all I found was some jackass who filmed himself through what looks like a roll of toilet paper. I don’t want to say it’s the most retarded thing I’ve seen in a while because I cover Britney Spears everyday. So that bar is pretty high. That being said, now I can’t stop saying “Earthen dam.” God, I hate you, YouTube. But I can’t quit you.

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There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and finding out Britney Spears went insane again while you were sleeping. As I’m sifting through the deluge of info, it appears Sam Lufti is was the point man with the doctors who are taking care of Britney. During her last trip to the hospital, she signed some form stating she doesn’t want her parents involved in any type of medical emergency, according to TMZ:

We’re told her dad had gone ballistic back then, screaming and swearing at Lutfi — even pushing him — in front of Britney. As to what paperwork was signed, the cleanest thing would be if Britney signed a durable power of attorney, giving someone power to make medical decisions on her behalf in an emergency. We are told no such document was signed, but somehow Britney made it clear she wanted Lutfi to make those decisions.

Obviously her parents have called in all kinds of lawyers to get this mess straightened out. In the meantime, E! Online is reporting that Sam is the one who contacted Britney’s psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. Plans had been laid for days to get Britney hospitalized and the LAPD was ready for the call:

Lutfi was said to be key in making it happen, even over the objections of the singer’s recently reunited mother, Lynne.
“The scene inside the house was chaos,” the insider continued. “Lynne was shouting at police. She didn’t want them to take Britney away at first. It was a zoo.”

Here’s an interesting little item that I remembered from yesterday on TMZ. Britney and Sam got into a loud screaming match in front of the paps over who would drive her new Mercedes Benz. The Benz that Sam made her go out and buy while her parents were in town. He was spotted driving the car to the hospital this morning. It seems like Britney is Sam’s goose that lays the golden eggs. As long as he keeps her in the hospital, he still gets to have McMuffins. Or maybe an omelet. Western style. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t had breakfast yet.

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Britney Spears was taken from her home early this morning in an ambulance. She’s currently checked into UCLA for mental evaluation, according to People:

“She went willingly. It was like something in her heart was telling her she should go. She knew something was wrong,” confidant Sam Lutfi tells PEOPLE.

However Sam Lufti may no longer be speaking for Britney. TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents are taking control of the situation and are working with a judge to get control of Britney:

We’re told Britney’s mother, father and brother have been “working closely with the LAPD for weeks” to get her back in for psychiatric care. There is now a dogfight between Britney’s family and Sam Lutfi over who will make medical decisions, however, that fight is now put on hold because the judge now makes the call.

Apparently it was Britney Spears’ new psychiatrist who called the ambulance last night to get the ball rolling. There was no suicide attempt which had been previously been rumored. Britney is back on 5150 hold and this time her parents are looking to it extend it for 14 days. As of this post, there has been no sign of Dr. Phil. He’s probably still firing up the Phil-jet.

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Paris Hilton posed for photos outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater last night. She was making an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman to promote her new movie The Hottie and The Nottie. Even more surprising than her movie not going straight to video, are the fans waiting outside and presenting her with a bouquet of roses. Apparently these people are so inspired by Bigfoot they’ll brave the New York cold just to scream “Paris, we love you!” and the always popular, “Viva la genital sores!”

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Leah Remini wants to have some relevance to her life since King of Queens went off the air, so she’s angling to be godmother to her good friend Jennifer Lopez’s unborn baby(s), according to People:

“We’re asking for an audition for godparent roles,” Remini, 36, joked to PEOPLE at the premiere after-party for her new comedy Over Her Dead Body Tuesday night. “Um … so, we’re waiting to hear back.”

I think Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony should seriously consider Leah’s case. I mean, Leah is an OT V in Scientology. I’m assuming that means she’s allowed to look at Tom Cruise’s face. But not in the eyes. Anyway, she has experience dealing with aliens which, let’s be real, one or two of them are popping out of that J-uterus. I know for a fact that Marc Anthony crash landed at Roswell. Then he salsa-danced his way out of the wreckage and into our hearts.

NOTE: Here’s a crazed letter from Leah Remini urging other Scientologists to become “clear” by crossing a bridge with rainbows or something. It’s sort of like Lord of the Rings but less believable.

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